Pump Up Your Social Skills — How To Approach New People.

A great post from Reddit — when I read something I like, I try to pass it on. The author focuses on talking to new people, but you can take his technique and apply it to almost any activity you find difficult to master. "So lately I've been having crises about not being able to socialize to the best of my ability."

About a month or two ago, I reached a breaking point — and now I've finally become desperate to want to do something about it. It's been really bothering me about how I'm not living life to the fullest, maximizing the amount of people I talk to, going on dates, etc. (for my anxiety is related to 'cold' approaching people). I've definitely improved socially over the last few years and can engage in conversations to a much greater extent (going to the gym and getting a job in retail loosened me up a bit); I would literally refuse to speak to anyone who wasn't my close friends and would be quite monosyllabic.

As much as I've improved, there's still much more progress to be made. After another mini crisis, I thought "screw it", and made a vow to speak to random people. Thought I'd start off small for now - I'd simply ask them for the time.

I got myself into a frame of mind where I'd literally force myself to ask the next stranger I see for the time, so I did. And it wasn't that bad. And then I did it with the next stranger, 30 seconds later. And again. After I did it I felt absolutely amazing, however small of a victory it may be, and it made me realise that even after doing something so trivial, we have some warped misconceptions of people and this makes us irrationally fear social encounters. Feel free to discredit what I'm about to say on the basis that I've approached a few people, but I don't think what I am saying is invalid.

I've created a list of "challenges" that I'm going to complete.

It's going to be really tough, but I've made a vow to (in this order):

• Ask 50 people for the time (in progress).
• Ask 30 people for directions.
• Go into 30 shops and speak to employees about random things related to the store and company etc.
• Smile at 20 women.
• Say something along the lines of "hey how's it going" or "good afternoon" to 30 people.
• Make conversation with 20 people.
• And then finally, talk to women and ask them for numbers and dates.

I've never realized how true the "social skills are like a muscle" analogy is.

It really felt like I'd been in the gym to lift weights, you get that confidence boost (i.e. the "high" you feel lifting weights), and this morning when I woke up, I realised how exhausting it would be to start again today and approach people again, much how like you need the drive to go to the gym.

It is really easy to tell yourself . . .

It is really easy to tell yourself "I don't need to approach people to get over my anxiety" or "I will eventually stop worrying about my fears in the future and will improve socially with age" and just not do it, when in reality, exposing yourself to the fear (gradually, of course, all-out exposure from my experience has made me worse) will SHOW your brain that there's nothing to be afraid of. Sure, it is true that people become better socially with age, but it doesn't solve the problem completely in some circumstances.

The stranger might be horrible to me.

Additionally, I don't think it's possible to use logic to get out of anxiety, or to convince yourself that there's nothing to be afraid of on a cognitive level, because your brain will still have the same response to a perceived threat unless you actually show it that there's nothing to fear by doing it. If you try to convince your way out of it, you're showing your brain a potential outcome instead of an actual outcome, the latter of which you will see by doing whatever frightens you.

A potential outcome relies on chance, e.g. "the stranger might be horrible to me", and this will lead your brain to go into panic mode again. You accept the potential outcome instead of being consumed by it, approach the person, and then the consequences turn into an actual outcome.

Lack of motivation is also a factor in facing your fears.

As I've said you might feel no need to talk to people (or do whatever is best for you socially) but it will help you out a lot. I don't want to sound like I'm some expert (I'm really not, take this post as you will) as I'm still early into the approaching game, but this is from what I've gathered after years of pre-improving my social skills (like getting over things that made me anxious previously, like ordering at a restaurant, group work in school and delivering presentations) and doing what I've just done now.

How badly do I want this?

To those who want to really get better from social anxiety or improve your social skills, ask yourself this: "how badly do I want this?" It's not a quick fix as I've realised and you will hurt like hell sometimes, but unfortunately you do have to make some effort if you want to improve. It's not something you like hearing, but it is the truth. As I've said it's very easy to delude yourself into thinking you don't need to approach people (or do whatever makes you scared) to improve, but you do.

One thing to remember is that you are all very capable of facing your fears, and that your anxiety to not do something is not as strong as you think it is. Hell, it's very hard and draining, but with an end goal in sight and a will to reach it, it is attainable.

No matter how much you may beat yourselves up.

Lastly, do not for a second think it makes you inferior for being socially anxious or feeling like you lack some social skills. You're awesome people, no matter how much you may beat yourselves up. I even fall into this trap and I have to snap myself out of it, whatever it takes.

I'm also convinced that a large portion of human beings consider themselves "socially awkward", for the lack of a better term, and crave social interactions.

People should approach one another all the time.

Being at University, people are mainly in their own social groups now and I've realised very few people approach one another while they're waiting outside for classes and very few people raise their hand to contribute in classes, out of fear I presume.

I simply refuse to believe that, in my circumstances at least, no one speaks to one another (including myself, I've only ever been approached once or twice at University for meeting friends/conversation, I've had to do most of the work to make friends) due to everyone hating one another; I genuinely believe that everyone (if not, most people) wants to initiate conversation, but are too afraid to do so. If only the world were simple (where this logic would be prevalent and would override anxiety completely), people would approach one another all the time, yet anxiety is so strong it stops us from being rational about it. And it sucks. A lot.

Keep doing whatever makes you awesome.

Feel free to join me on this endeavour, it's hard to say if I'll make it, but I'll give it my best shot. I'll leave you on one last note, which is basically a summary of what I've just said - ABANDON LOGIC AS YOUR MEANS OF FIGHTING THIS.

Use it loosely and to motivate, but don't make it your main weapon to fight anxiety or whatever as you will lose every time. You can read all you want about how humanity is on a small rock in a seemingly infinite cosmos where all of our problems will cease to exist upon death, about how that girl you want to talk to was born in the same way you were; through cell division, being cast into a meaningless world without choice, but that will not cure your anxiety forever. Even my advice won't cure you forever, I concede - but what WILL work, as I've started to realise, is giving anxiety the middle finger and motivating yourself (disciplining, rather) enough to improve socially.

Great rewards require great sacrifices, and I wish I'd seen this earlier. You are no exception.

From Reddit - Author: PM_ME_YOUR_DELTOIDS (yes, I know, too funny).

Don't Have A Job? It's YOUR Fault.

I'm not pulling any punches here. Why? Because I think most people who are looking for a job need a dose of reality instead of 'good thoughts' and 'quick tricks'.

Here are Rich Gee's 10 Commandments Of Looking For A Job:

1. It's going to be HARD.

You will push yourself farther than you've ever pushed yourself before — into areas that are uncomfortable — networking, connecting, selling, negotiation, schmoozing, etc. Get used to it.

WHY? Most job-seekers are afraid of the process. They want the limo to pull up to their house and whisk them off to their next position. Guess what? It's NEVER going to happen.

2. You must work 30-40 hours a week on your search.

It's a job to find a job. Any less is just fooling around. You have to put serious time into your search — if you don't you will just prolong your unemployment — turning it from a 3-6 month process to a 12-18 month ordeal. I have my clients do a simple math equation: Take your yearly salary and divide it by 12. That is how much you are costing your family for each month unemployed. Stop focusing on your severance package — go out and find a job!

WHY? Clients that dive into their search and spend a reasonable amount of time (30-40 hours a week), get a job. It's that simple.

3. Stop the whining.

Okay, you lost your job — get on with life. Stop navel-gazing and blaming yourself.

WHY? I encounter a number of clients who are wounded and use their loss as an excuse to bypass the difficult actions of a job search. If you are so damaged, it's time for you to seek help with a therapist. If not, get off your ass and move on. You're an adult and you have bills to pay and mouths to feed. Stop the pity party.

I hate to be blunt here — but you're an adult with responsibilities — get out there and make things happen!

4. Don't focus on your résumé every 5 seconds.

Get it done, keep it concise and powerful (and well-written). If you need help — spend the money and have it written for you. You can modify it for certain positions, but don't obsess about what other people say.

WHY? People get so attached to their résumé. They ask every friend and recruiter for advice and guess what? They tell them it stinks and that they have to totally modify it. Get it done and get it out. Stop looking for distractions.

5. Get out and meet people.

If you stay in all day and surf the web, that's not looking for work. It's vacation. To find that perfect position, you must be visible and expose yourself to A LOT of people.

WHY? It's a very simple equation: If you meet new people, you will make new opportunities, you will connect with hiring managers, you will be introduced to hidden positions, you will be offered a job. On the other hand, if you don't meet new people, less opportunities, less hiring manager interaction, less position options, and less job offers. It's that simple.

Hit the library. Make friends with the librarians — they can help you find information on organizations, industries, and people not found on the web. And it's fun — they start rooting for you to find that next position AND it gets you out of the house. One suggestion — try the smaller local libraries — they tend to focus on the serious researcher and not have a 'get em in/get em out' attitude to the masses.

6. Make yourself extremely marketable.

Hit the gym everyday. Eat well. Get an up-to-date haircut. Get new glasses. Dress in style and dress up every day. Act as if you are going out on a first date — first impressions are SO important.

WHY? Be Your Best — you are selling a product . . . YOU. You have to polish it until it shines and catches the light. Any less and you might be passed over for a single errant, inconsequential reason that you could easily fix. Take a few dollars and improve your wardrobe, your body, and your look. You want to hit them hard when they first see you.

7. Study your industry and market.

Don't sit around and surf. Immerse yourself where you're looking for a job. Learn what has happened, what is happening, and begin to predict what will happen. So many job-seekers look for positions but neglect to fully understand what's happening in their industry. When you have a job, you live in a bubble. Take the time and seriously dive into what is happening out in the world. It will come in handy during interviews.

WHY? People forget that this time is for you to apply and work for a BETTER company.

8. Pick companies you would LOVE to work for.

I get so much grief for this one. When looking for a job, so many people give in and make themselves like a company/position rather than targeting organizations they would kill to work for.

WHY? It's easier to find open positions than to LOVE a company, target key individuals, and build your own position.

9. Learn how to interview, ask questions, and negotiate.

Don't wing it. You need to practice and get out there and interview. The more you hone your image, your patter, your answers, your body language, your questions, and your negotiation skills, the faster you will land that primo position.

WHY? So many applicants feel they can rely on their strengths and forget when they're in tense situations, their weaknesses start to show. You need to be 'buttoned-up', secure, and ready for anything a key interviewer throws your way.

10. Be Positive, Smile, and Watch Your Body Language.

This is a big one. Get up every day and start out by rewarding yourself with a motivation.

HOW? Work out, listen to music, do yoga, read, meditate . . . anything. You have to begin each day with a positive mindset. Too many job seekers hit the snooze alarm or get indexed into multiple family responsibilities (not that it's a bad thing) in the morning. Make sure you have time for yourself. Get up early (I get up at 4-4:30 every morning) and make time for yourself — stop staying up late and watching reruns of The Mentalist. Go to bed early (I hit my pillow at 9:30 PM) and get in some real sleep time.

Smile! Stop frowning at everything — remind yourself frequently to smile with people, on the phone, and in unexpected situations. You'll find it brings up the good juices within and you actually feel more positive.

Take an proactive stance on your body language. Walk 20% faster (catch any Bourne Identity movie - watch how Matt Damon walks) - it livens up your system and tells everyone you mean business. Lean forward when you speak and use your hands — it engages the listener and shows them you are passionate about what you do.

11. Surprise! Extra Credit.

Focus on four areas. What are they?

1. Job Boards/Company Sites - This is the easiest area to attack and the most frustrating area to encounter. There might be jobs here, but most of the time, it's a major time-suck for higher level positions. But don't discount it — do it — but don't hold yourself back — access all four areas.

2. Recruiters - Reach out to them, but don't expect a lot to happen. They are focused on obtaining the best employed candidates, poaching from the competition, and keeping their retainers healthy and growing. There might be a perfect alignment of your need and their deliverable, but it rarely happens. I'm not down on recruiting, just don't put all your eggs in this basket. And don't get frustrated when they don't return your calls — it's the nature of the beast.

3. Connecting/Networking - As I said before, a good bet is to reach out to strategic friends, family, and colleagues who might connect you to the right people. You need to move up the food chain and play tennis with the big boys and girls. Don't make all your stops with unemployed networking groups — you're trying to sell a car when everyone else in the room are selling cars too. You need to mix with accomplished, employed, and upwardly mobile people who GET IT. You've hit a road bump in your career (we all have), stop holding yourself back and reach for the gold ring.

4. Targeting - You need to pick the best companies that you would LOVE to work for (remember this?). Act like a private investigator — research what's going on, who's making headlines, where they're going, and who you need to target. Then build a dossier about that person — where they went to school, what do they do, where they worked, are they on social media, etc. Then go after them and introduce yourself to them. Now the hard part begins.

I know this has been a rough post to read — but my goal isn't to sugar-coat my coaching, but to tell the truth and get you to take action ASAP. Let me know if you found it useful.

Great Tips From A Retained Recruiter.

I love Reddit. Many years ago, a retained recruiter hosted a huge 'AMA' (Ask Me Anything) post. They delivered great responses which were spot on. Here are some of the best (please disregard the grammar - I wanted to preserve the questions asked):

What To Wear

Q: I have an interview at a small eCommerce company (~10 people). I was told by the recruiter that they hired, that they have no dress code and they wear sweat pants and stuff. If the atmosphere is that casual, would it be unwise to suit up for the interview like I normally would?

A: I think you should always wear a suit and tie to a first round interview. If one of the interviewers tells you that you can come back more casually for a second round, then do so, but always a suit in the first.

Q: What is the best thing for a girl to wear for a business professional interview? I've googled, done research, asked people and I keep getting conflicting answers. What is your take?

A: Just look professional. I said before that a pants suit/skirt suit doesn't make a hell of a lot of difference these days except to maybe an ancient law firm partner who thinks pants are for men and the kitchen is for women. Jacket, blouse, skirt or pants suit, you'll be fine.

Leaving Your Company

Q: How do you answer the question "Why are leaving current company?"

A: With an honest answer. Either they're not offering you new challenges or the opportunity for advancement, you see a downward trend, you have a genuine interest in the business of the company you're interviewing with, any number of reasons. You better have a damn good, honest and compelling answer for this one because this is an extremely important interview question.

I'm A Bad Interviewer

Q: Do you think there's ever a case where someone interviews poorly but is otherwise a great worker?

A: Yes and good interviewing techniques should be able to distinguish this. A truly "poor" interview by a good candidate should only be due to nervousness. Those who can't clearly articulate their experience and positions usually aren't top candidates.

Short Time At A Company

Q: What's the best way to handle a very short period at a company? For example, a candidate that switched jobs only to find that the new position isn't a good fit or the company is collapsing and now they're looking again after six months. Should you list the month of hire on the resume, or just leave the year and let the recruiter/manager infer a range? Is this a big hurdle or a little one when it comes to getting an interview?

A: Here's the Catch 22 with this. It's not appropriate to list "reasons for leaving" with every job on your resume but it also doesn't look great when you only have 6 months at one place. It's also kind of tough to fudge by using years only instead of years with months - unless you've been in the workforce a while, it looks like you're hiding something. If you've had a bunch of jobs for about a year, you're going to look like a job-hopper anyway so I wouldn't worry any more about it. If it's an aberration, then you might want to put an RFL as a small subtext but I'd stay still skip it.

Salary Discussion (remember - this is a recruiter answering)

Q: What's your advice for handling the "what are your salary requirements?" question. Sometimes, I hear this right off the bat; I don't like to answer because it depends on benefits and other factors. Some recruiters insist on getting a number and get sort of angry when I say "no".

A: You can't avoid this. It absolutely needs to be discussed. First you need to know what your motivation is in seeking a new job. If it's money, that's fine. If it's skills, that's even better. If it's money, phrase it like this: "I'm currently making $X with a planned yearly raise coming in June that will bring me to $X. While I'm happy at my current role, I feel under compensated based on what my colleagues at other firms are earning and I would be looking to earn $X+10 for this role based on my experience and what the market is bearing." If it's experience: "I'm currently making $X and can live comfortably on that. I don't see much in the way of future growth where I'm currently at so I'd be looking for an equivalent package with your company, ideally with a small cost of living bump to cover me during the transition between jobs."

Summary & Purpose Areas On Résumé

Q: Most resumes open with a "purpose" or "summary" or some such thing. Simply put, what should you put in there? Action-sounding or attention-grabbing words? Aggrandize yourself? Make demands? Maybe even a dry joke?

A: These sections seem to be getting longer and longer, mostly as a result of lousy "outplacement" services. Summary and Objective are two different things. A summary is only appropriate for a senior level professional and even then, I'm not a huge fan of them. They're more a tool to explain a skill set when a person has had a non-traditional or (for lack of a better word) "choppy" work history. An objective line should in one or two sentences, relate your experience to the job you are applying for. These should always be short, to the point and relate both to YOUR SKILLS and the SPECIFIC JOB YOU ARE APPLYING FOR.

College Degree Different From Past Jobs

Q: I work in a technical field but have a BofA degree in a totally unrelated non-technical subject. How should I handle it? Sometimes I get asked about it in interviews. Should I even bother mentioning it in my resume?

A: Sure, always mention your degree. You don't want people to think you didn't go to college! Just tell them how it is - you pursued your passion in college, enjoyed it, realized it wasn't a career and then got a job where you learned the skills you need in your current career. Stress the "on the job" training part of it. What you learn in college is rarely translatable to what you end up doing day to day and showing a hiring manager that you understand this will demonstrate that you are aware of your own strengths and weaknesses... which ties nicely into another standard interview question.

Should I Make That Résumé Follow-Up Phone Call?

Q: All day I've been browsing advice on the "resume follow-up phone call". Some hiring managers say it is annoying when someone calls just to check in with no purpose, while others say it shows they care about the job? Thoughts? Also, I see widely differing opinions on whether you should try to set up an interview during the follow-up call. Please help me navigate this, I need to do it tomorrow!

A: If you can take an honest look at your application and think you are a good fit for the job, not someone a company should "take a chance on" then you should make the follow-up call. If you have the ability to push for an interview then by all means go for it but I think in most situations you'd come off as overly aggressive.

Why Aren't They Calling Me Back?

Q: Here's a question, because I can't keep stressing about it silently. What's the deal with small companies that bring you in for around 10 interviews (you meet and get on with everyone there), give you homework to do, are totally impressed and need the weekend to 'talk to some people and figure out an offer, but we'll be in touch on Monday." Then Monday comes and goes and you don't hear anything, so you email them nicely on Thursday to 'stay on their radar' and they say they'll discuss the next Monday. Then THAT Monday goes by, you send another email, and this one isn't responded to. That was last week. What's going on?

A: They're meeting other candidates. Don't stress about it. Any company is going to do this and smaller ones are pretty notorious about letting feedback deadlines slip, with candidates and otherwise. Pick up the phone and give someone a call there. A voicemail might not get you a callback in this situation so I'd block your number (*67), call the switchboard or a direct line and if you don't get the person you want, try back again later, don't leave a VM. Bottom line here is they brought you in ten times because they're interested. They still are, just looking at other candidates to feel secure in their decision to hopefully hire you!

Grow Your Position In Three Small Steps.

Sometimes we feel trapped at work. Doing the same thing day after day. Handling the same issues, the same malcontents and ultimately getting nowhere. What can you do to move forward?

When I work with teams, I have them perform a lot of teamwork, but I also refocus them on a series of simple exercises to help them grow their position.

I call it Change-Grow-Help. Simply, take a step back and look at what you do all day and think about what three things you can do to make it bigger, better, and more engaging.

CHANGE

What's one thing can I change in my day-to-day work to make it more streamlined, more efficient and effective?

Why CHANGE? Because we get stale. We end up doing things that are easy, familiar, and comfortable. To move forward, we need to mix it up and see where we can make subtle modifications to do things faster and better.

Examples - Kill a meeting, come in a bit earlier, delete that weekly report no one reads, meet with your boss for 5 minutes every morning, streamline your email, etc.

GROW

What's one thing can I do to grow me as an individual who can offer more, perform better, and make more-informed positions?

Why GROW? Because we should be always growing. The attitude of 'I know all I need to know" is a 20th Century behavior. You're going to be left behind VERY QUICKLY. What books, resources, classes can I access to grow myself?

Examples - Take a class, read a book, listen to a podcast/audiobook, meet new people, network, join a club, check out Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie, or (hire a coach).

HELP

What's one thing can I do to help my team, the department, or organization? How can I branch out and make a difference?

Why HELP? If you don't step out of your little cubicle hovel and start making a difference in other parts of the company, you'll stay an unknown and ultimately be forgotten, laid off, or fired.

Examples - Join a committee, start an organization, hold a learning lunch, advertise to your team and visit a conference, start a blood drive, etc.

Image: Royalty-Free License from Dollar Photo Club 2014.

Top Psychological Tricks For The Office.

Sometimes you need an advantage at work.

Not only to get ahead and get that promotion — sometimes to just survive. Many close colleagues and new clients have been written up and fired (for nothing) instead of being laid off (the rational option). Companies are getting more cutthroat, managers are getting more paranoid, and it's everyone for themselves people.

Here are some simple psychological tricks to stay on top of your game at work:

Sit next to your enemies.

If you're in a group meeting and you suspect that someone in there might come after you about something or if you have a job with a huge target painted on your back, sit right next to them.

They were hoping that the group would provide some sort of herd defense, but if you're right next to them it can't be anything other than personal. This tends to make them back off, or at least substantially temper what they say.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Shut up after the sale.

In sales, once you make the sales pitch, don't say anything else.

A client used to work at a gym trying to sell memberships. She told me that once she got all the small talk out of the way and presented the prices, that the first person to talk will lose. At first it didn't seem like a big deal to her, but it actually worked. Often there were long periods of awkward silence as the customer tried to come up with some excuse, but usually they bought. It was quite impressive actually. 

Corollary: Once someone has agreed to help you, stop talking. The more you say, the more opportunities they have to change their minds.

Notice people's eye color.

When you first meet people try to notice their eye color while also smiling at them. It might be because you look for a second or two longer, but all I can tell you is that people really respond to it.

Nervous? Chew gum.

Chew gum when you're approaching a situation that would make you nervous like public speaking or bungee jumping. Apparently, if we are 'eating' something, our brains trip and reasons "I would not be eating if I were danger . . . so I'm not in danger". Has helped many clients calm down before anxiety-ridden activities.

Instead of asking, make an offer.

If you really want something from someone, frame it as an offer rather than a request.

When Teddy Roosevelt was running for president, his campaign printed out 3 million leaflets with a picture of Teddy and a copy of a campaign speech. The campaign then realized that they didn't have the rights to the photo of Teddy. Instead of explaining the situation to the photographer, which would have given them leverage to ask for a lot of money, the campaign made an offer — they would use the picture, giving the photographer lots of publicity if the studio paid them $250. The studio paid the money.

Avoid negative talk.

In real life terms - avoid negative words when pitching something unfavorable to an audience that you want to receive it well. If you can do it in writing, all the better, because you get to pick out your words carefully. Also focus the manner by which you intend to fix things, rather than the problems.

A client of mine worked with mentally disabled children, and he found it highly beneficial to describe their capacities in such a way that he indirectly described their limitations, as opposed to the reverse.

'Johnny can't even speak in phrases, and only turns his head to you when you say his name, but doesn't make eye contact. He won't sit in a chair for more than a minute unless you repeatedly tell him to.'

NOPE. TRY AGAIN. 'Johnny uses words to communicate, so the next step is to strengthen his skills up to the level of 2-word phrases. He responds to his name by turning, so we're going to work on his ability to maintain eye contact. Johnny is able to remain seated for longer than one minute if given repeated prompting.'

Which would you rather hear about your kid? This also applies to other types of work - use it to present anything negative. Works magnificently.

People will remember not what you said but how you made them feel.

So go out of your way to make them feel good about themselves, even proud. Most of the time we berate and kill our confidence internally, so the more that you make people feel better, the more they will like you. And do things for you.

Also most people like talking about themselves so ask lots of questions about them.

Get them talking on a general topic (movies, music) ask them what movies/music/whatever it was they like, engage them on that, go from there; offer bits of information about yourself then bounce it back to them. Your goal is to make them feel good, via engaging them on their most cherished subjects. i.e. themselves, and the things they like the most.

This technique is really good for various situations that might otherwise be awkward. For example when you are trying to draw out a reserved person, show an interest in them (a genuine one hopefully) and go from there.

Someone you want to know better in that special 'relationship' way? Asking about them is often a great approach.

Trying to get someone to like you in a situation with a power differential (i.e. in a workplace setting or a job interview) is to get 'em talking, ideally about something work-related that makes them feel competent and informed. They will remember how good they felt in your presence and that will color their perception of you.

You're not aiming to be the audience to a monologue, you're trying to find ways in which you can connect with that other person. The ultimate goal is to connect.

Stay calm in the face of danger.

When people are angry at me — if I stay calm — it'll get them even angrier, and be ashamed about it after. It's called an "adrenaline dump," and it's easily one of my favorite tactics. It's basically conversational judo.

There's an evolutionary precedent for it, too — adrenaline is manufactured in response to a threat, and two people yelling at each other both register as a 'threat' to their opponent, creating an adrenaline arms race.

But if that steady increase is interrupted, the whole build-up is swept out from under a person. The shame sets in almost automatically, an innate response to assessing someone else as a bigger threat than they actually are.

I practiced it about a year ago. I was having a barbecue with some friends and colleagues near one of our offices. Some drunken jerk ambles over from a nearby pub and demands a hotdog, getting more and more belligerent when he's repeatedly denied (at first, we said we'd hook him up if we had any left over and that the ones on the grill were already spoken for, but he didn't much care for that).

I walked over to him -- I was easily half his size — looked the red-face, raging jerk square in the eyes and calmly said, "Hey man, I just wanna know something. What's your name?"

The stranger gave his name, visibly taken aback but still extremely pissed. "Where're you from? What's your deal?"

The stranger, now equal parts angry and confused, says he's a local contractor and he lives a few blocks away.

I nodded, and with a confident, measured glare that could chill fresh coffee said, "One last question: Why are you being such a jerk to all my friends at our barbecue?"

You could pinpoint the exact nanosecond the guy's rage simmered out and the embarrassment barreled in. He looked around sheepishly, and without a word, turns around and ambles back into the alleyway, disappearing into the pub's back door without a second glance.

Self Image Is Everything. 

People have a certain image of themselves and will fight tooth and nail to cling to it. Use this information wisely.

I do this all the time. You can avoid insulting someone by not saying anything that shows you perceive them differently than what they're trying to present. Or you can be a little more manipulative and make people like you by casually stroking their ego.

This could go wrong, especially if you have bad intentions. Not all manipulation is bad if done on a small scale with innocent intentions.

Never Ever Gossip. 

Promise yourself you'll never gossip about other people. I mean it. Even when the people around you are gossiping, even when you agree with the stuff they're saying. You don't have to make a big deal of it, just don't partake in it.

Once people get the idea you're not into gossiping about other people behind their backs, the amount of gossip they talk around you will decrease. It isn't fun to gossip unless everybody's gossiping. Your decision to stop the gossip and their eventual reaction to you not reciprocating will positively affect both of you, as well as your relationship.

I made this change in how I interact with people and the amount and quality of my friendships have grown exponentially. People will trust you more if they haven't listened to you gossip about other people. You will be seen as more a more positive person than other friends who do talk shit. The gap gossiping used to fill will be replaced with way more interesting and/or intimate conversation too.

Are You The Center Of Your Group?

When a group of people laugh, people will instinctively look at the person they feel closest to in that group.

Want More Romance?

Look up the false attribution of arousal. Basically, if you want to make someone like you, get their heart rate going.

Take them on a date to see a scary movie and then go out for coffee. This puts their body in an aroused (increased blood flow, not sexual) state. Their mind then falsely attributes that physiological effect to being with you making them think they like you! (hopefully they actually do, but this gets the ball rolling)

Ladies — Want To Be More Attractive?

Wear red. For women, the color red makes them exponentially more attractive. Research has shown that men will go to great lengths to do things for a woman in red that they would not do otherwise like give her money or even carry her across the street.

Let's Throw In Some Interview Skills Too.

Body mirroring. So something that we do that we don't realize is mirror the body language of people that we like, like our friends. If they sit crossed legged, we will. If they touch their face, we will. This goes back to the subconscious will to be more like the people that we respect.

You can kind of "force" this. Put a conscious effort into mirroring the body posture of your interviewer, bun don't be obvious about it. Be nice and subtle. This will kin of trick their mind into thinking that they like you. After all, you are doing similar things with your body, why not!

Get them to talk about themselves. People are selfish and they love talking about what they do. Ask your interviewer as many questions about what they do for work and really listen. They will walk away from the interview in a good mood because they got to talk about themselves and they will then think that the interview went well.

If you are able, schedule the interview as early as possible. There's a ton of cognitive psychology research about the primacy effect which essentially states that items are more memorable if they are presented earlier. So if you're going into a grad school interview where the person will literally be interviewing all day, you will be more memorable if you go first. If you are unable to be first go last. Similarly, there is research about the recency effect, which states that items are also memorable if they are presented last, though the primacy effect is more reliable. Just try not to be stuck in the middle.

Find Yourself In A Debate?

Don't give your stance first. Give your argument. In some self interest research that I did myself in my undergrad, I found that your persuasiveness is fragile and dependent on your social identity. For example, if you came out and say "I'm an atheist and this is what I believe," you are already seen as less persuasive and more biased because people already know why you are arguing what you're arguing; you have something to gain by convincing people. You're an atheist.

What you should do is not say you're an atheist at all. Say "this is what I believe..." Because people don't have an assumption already in their mind, they will be more likely to view you as less biased. Bonus points if you're on the opposite side. For example, a conservative arguing for gay rights is going to be viewed as very persuasive and not biased at all because they literally have nothing to gain from holding that viewpoint while a homosexual arguing for gay rights does have something to gain and thus is seen as more biased.

Finally, Some Cool Final 'Tricks'.

Reminding people of their death will make them more likely to follow a charismatic leader.

You have a much higher chance of success in a relationship if your parents and your friends like your romantic partner.

The placebo effect is actually more powerful than some medications. One study found that cancer patients given a placebo to treat their cancer had a 12% increase in remission rates.

How's Business? You Need A Business Coach.

You've got a business. It might be doing well — it might not be doing so well. If you hire a business coach, they tend to focus on a specific area of your business — your marketing, your financials, your staff, etc. They focus in on your 'pain point' because it's their specialty. If you go to an ear/nose/throat specialist, they will pinpoint your sickness within your ear, nose, or throat. But what you really need is someone who brings it all together. Who can help you view your entire business and help fix what really needs fixing.

That's what I do. The other day, I ran a cool program called Wordle, a free web program which takes a paragraph/page of writing and transforms it into a word cloud. I took a combination of my web bio and my business acceleration page and developed my first word cloud found at the top of this page.

What words immediately stand out?

• LOVE
• BUSINESS
• PEOPLE
• CLIENTS
• HELP
• FUN

I love what I do. I've been a coach for almost 14 years. As a FULL-TIME coach, I work with many businesses to help them figure out what their next steps will be. In fact, I just celebrated 10,000+ hours coaching — if you want to see what that means, click HERE.

I am a business coach. Not a 'life' coach, or a 'financial' coach, or a 'marketing' coach. I am a business/career coach who helps people with their business life. If you want a blankie to keep you warm, look elsewhere.

I am people- and client-oriented. I am not off running multi-marketing junkets — I coach people. Serious people. I spend time with my clients to ensure they succeed. Ask me about Lifeline calls — my clients love them.

I'm here to help. I worked in corporate for over 20 years and found my direct affect on impacting people in a positive way was diminishing. So I refocused it on directly helping people by coaching. I've been put on this earth to help as many people as I can.

Finally, I want to have fun with my clients. Too many things in life are boring and too serious — I want to make the process more fun.

Best Companies: John Neeman Tools.

In 2013, I will be highlighting many old and new companies who embrace 21st century progress and run their businesses differently from the old guard who are quickly dying off. My first is John Neeman Tools. They are a small crew of craftsmen from Latvia who use their heritage of craftsmanship handed down through many generations to design and create woodworking tools. Their process, their method and mission, keeps these traditions and crafts alive and well. In this high-tech age, their traditional craftsmanship is flourishing.

John Neeman Tools is founded by Jacob - a carpenter with love for traditional woodworking and his friend – a village bladesmith. This bond has created a premier company.

They use their hands to produce tools that will live on, to tell their story in the hands of the craftsmen after us. Each tool they make is born with energy and personality – a love and care that will be felt daily by each craftsman, a resonance from the heart of the tool.

Towering factories and belching chimneys are not their game. All of their tools are made in our small traditional workshops using equally traditional methods and techniques. Their focus is on uniqueness and quality, not quantity. They want to help people to remember how to use their hands, to relate their own human energy to their tools – to achieve the true joy of creating something from humble beginnings.

You can learn more about John Neeman Tools and their products here.

5 Powerful Lessons From My Vacation.

I took 10 days off over the past week for a much needed vacation for me and my family. We made our way down to Maryland's eastern shore (to a family farm) and then made our way to visit Washington DC. Even though I was relaxing, I had a lot of time during our travels to think about what I learned during my vacation:

1. I disconnected from my practice.

I came back to 500+ emails — but I made sure prior to my vacation, to let all of my clients, colleagues and friends know I'd be gone and if they really needed to reach me, to call. No one called. The time away from email was energizing. Knowing every day that I could just get up and go for a swim, or a walk, or just sit and read gave me real clarity and focus.

It gave me the permission to clear out the cobwebs and focus on what really important — personally and professionally.

2. I watched people.

My disconnection allowed me to watch and engage people from all walks of life. It allowed me to see really bad service and really exceptional service during my time on the road. It

I walked around with a new sense of wonder — engaging people and asking them questions — how's your day going, what's it like to work here, do they ever see anyone famous, etc. It's amazing how animated people get when they someone takes a sincere interest in their life.

3. I built deeper connections with the people I love.

One of the most important things I did was to spend time with my family — my wife and two sons (ages 11 and 16). We had a lot of fun relaxing at the farm and then sightseeing in DC. My two favorites — seeing my 16 year old son act as tour guide while we were in DC (I was so proud) and my 11 year old son have so much fun cutting down bamboo at the farm (he is a dedicated Mythbusters fan and will tackle any project with aplomb).

In addition, I spent quality time with my life partner. She and I have known each other for over 33 years (married 22) and still learn new aspects of one another every day. This vacation grew us closer together.

4. I had time to learn.

I spent a portion of my time reading and enjoying books. I also engaged with my older brother, his wife and sons and learned a host of new things about the world around me. We didn't talk business — we talked more about the world and philosophy in general. When was the last time you did that?

5. I recharged my batteries.

Let me state — I was not 'powered-down' and in need of energy. I was okay — I was moving along just fine over the past eight months. But it's like hooking you up to a powerful energy source (as in The Avengers movie, during the fight between Iron Man and Thor - Thor hit Iron Man with a huge bolt of lightning - and suddenly, Iron Man's energy potential shot upwards of 400%).

It really got my mind working in higher gears and began to build up a reserve of energy to take me through the end of 2012. I am full of ideas and direction — stay tuned!

If you haven't gone on vacation — GO. You can afford the time away from work.

Work Smarter, Not Harder.

I really didn't mean that. To be honest, to be successful, one needs certain things to happen:

1. You have to hustle. Move faster than your competition and get things done. Take action.
2. You have to be smart. Not only intelligence, but knowledge and street smarts.
3. You have to be lucky. Sometimes it comes from nowhere, but most of the time it presents itself from opportunities you developed.

But there are times when you need to be nimble, agile, and frankly, work smarter. How? Here goes:

Think of all the things you do during the day. The email, the meetings, the people, the stop-bys, the phone calls, the traveling, the commute . . . everything.

Now I want you to take each element and figure out how you can STREAMLINE it. Make it take less time but deliver the same (or increased) result. Let's try each one:

• Email - do you have to read EVERY email? Develop a system to read the important messages and toss the rest.
• Meetings - do you have to go to EVERY meeting? Eliminate one meeting per week - you don't really need to be there.
• People - who are the most important people to your career? Who wastes your time? Start spending more time with the important people.
• Stop-bys - it's nice to have an open-door policy but you have to have time for yourself. Close your door at certain times to get working.
• Phone calls - all calls should be five minutes or less. If it is more complex, you need to meet.
• Traveling - do you really need to go there? Can you video conference in? A conference call?
• Commute - sitting in the car for an hour a day is tiring. Can you listen to motivational CD's? Can you telecommute?

Think outside of the box — you want to work smarter — get the work done in less time without killing yourself.

Over the next few weeks, I will be focusing in on each of these areas - STAY TUNED!

Image provided by H Sterling Cross at Flickr.