Who’s a hugger out there?
Many years ago (25 to be exact), my best friend’s sister and her husband came over for dinner one night. At the end of the night, when we were saying our goodbyes, instead of handshakes, we got hugs from both of them. Not just the quick hug — but a deep hug with a real squeeze that meant something.
It might sound funny that I remember that 25 years later, but it made an impression on me. It was powerful. And before we go any further, let me state that there was nothing leading or sexual about it. It was just a hug. But it was a great hug.
Let’s be honest, a handshake just goes so far. I totally understand if you just met the person — at that point, a handshake is perfectly fine. But during personal interactions, when you meet someone at a small holiday dinner party and you speak with them for the better of 3-4 hours, isn’t a good hug at the end of the night a great way to share your personal experience? I think studies find that it’s a bit more sanitary too — no real hand-to-hand contact.
How about professional interactions? I can totally understand the ‘sexual harassment’ issues that might arise if your gave a hug the wrong way to your team, peers, or superiors. How about with established vendors that you’ve been working with for years? Is a hug in order then? I know when someone wins an award and if it’s in front of a lot of people, hugs are normally given.
Step back for a second — hugs are GREAT. They impart real feeling to the other person — a deep appreciation for who they are and what they mean to you. Especially when you’ve known or worked with that person for a long time.
So if you could hug more professionally (without fear of any harassment charges) would you? Do you hug now?
I would love to hear your stories about how important hugs are for you!
P.S. If you’re not convinced, here’s a video you should watch — click here.
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I have long wondered why we don’t hug. I mean a real hug, a hug where something transfers between the hugging parties. What I do not mean, what I never mean, is a man-hug.
Part of the problem is those puritans. Lack of hugging between ladies has never n]been a problem. Ladies hug. They also do that damned silly non kiss cheek kiss things, but that’s just coz they are weird! But I think the entire problem started in the USA. I live in the town the Mayflower put back into for repairs. Those ships were never meant to get across the Atlantic. I apologise to my US friends for the fact that those blasted puritans made it there. I think you got the religious fundamentalist right and thr Taliban Christianists from them. I hope you recover. But I digress.
Men want to be seen as real men. Some fool once decided that boys do not cry, nor do they show emotion. Touching went out of the window with that decision. Hugging became something only queers do. “Don’t touch me, boy, are you a fag?” I use the word with all its pejorative meanings. As a homosexual man I object to the word, and I see it in all pervasive abusive in the USA right now, especially now Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed.
Why people don’t realise that a hug is not an expression of sexual desire, but is an expression of something shared, tenderness if you will, I do not know. I hug many people. Some are surprised by it, yet all respond with a hug, a real hug, a soft yielding hug generates a soft yielding hug in return. In no case has this ever been sexual, male or female. In no case has the response ever ben sexual.
Men and boys are taught not to hug, Rich. Men and boys are embarrassed, because they are made to be embarrassed by parents, schooling and peers, of their bodies. This is absolutely not true with girls. A girl wears a bikini on the beach, but a boy wears board shorts. Men and boys have penises, located front and centre. When a man hugs geometry means that the trousered and underpanted penis ~gasp~ touches the hugee. This is ‘a bad thing’ apparently. And, if another man should notice the anatomical pressure, especially in prejudiced christianist USA that is gay! SO men and boys do not hug because of possible trouser bulge contact. And men do not hug boys because some halfwit will yell ‘pediatrician!” at them, primarily because that fool cannot spell.
But a hug is a chaste thing. Hugging is not snogging. Hugging is not an expression of sexual interest. Hugging is a moment of generosity and of tenderness.
I remember my first real hug. I’ve had man-hugs before, those awful back slapping embarrassed hugs, those false hugs perpetrated by trouser bulge phobics on other trouser bulge phobics. I hate them. Today I make the back slapper stop and think and then hug properly.
My first hug was when I was in hospital. A new friend and I met for the first time, he fully clothed, me hospital gowned. He and I had met online some time previously and he had suggested he visit me in hospital. We met with a handshake. After the afternoon when he had to leave we hugged. It was a proper hug. We were two men, content in our properly forged new friendship. I think we were both surprised. We stood and embraced, gently yet firmly, and for a time in excess of the normal man-hug. And, for the first time in a hug I felt something transfer between him and me, sufficient for my eyes to leak. I’m not attracted to him, he is not attracted to me, though we are both gay men, but he also felt the same. We discussed it later. We understood that something had happened, but were not sure what.
It has not made us closer than we were already. What it allowed us to do was to communicate on a level we had never known existed. He and I disagree on a great many things. We don’t share the same politics, we disagree about business matters, we don;t share the same tastes. We are certainly not sexually interested in each other. But we know each other better because of hugging.
I’ve taken the lesson we each learned there and embraced it, literally. I will hug someone I respect. I will do that because I feel comfortable in offering someone I respect something ‘of me’ in the hug. I will offer a hug to someone I believe needs it, whether I respect them or not. One must be careful when hugging because some people have had hideous experiences in their lives that make a hug the last thing they would ever want or need.
Somehow, though, I think a hug is devalued when used as a business ‘exchange’. I am not about to hug the next sales rep or buyer that I meet, nor am I about to hug my NCI Coastwatch colleagues when I go on watch with them. A hug enters your personal space so substantially that each party must be confident.
Other cultures, though, they differ. A very few years back I was in Sicily for a friend;s wedding. Sicilian men hug each other in a meaningful manner almost as a matter of course. But they never had the puritans, nor the Taliban christianists.
Tim – I think I hit a place in your heart (and mind) with this one. You hit my point exactly – a good hug between people transfers something, a closeness, a bond. I always love your comments! Happy holidays! – Rich
It has to be experienced, Rich. and a man-hug will never let anyone experience it.
At first, I thought this guy was being stupid. Who would hug a stranger? But when people started hugging him the video became hilarious. But I still feel that people who you talk to for 5 minutes are not going to feel comfortable hugging each other. But talk to someone for a few hours, have a meaningful conversation and a hug feels natural.
I think Mr. Trent unintentionally answered your question Rich.
Love this one, Rich. I am a hugger. I am in tune with the right timing and how it will be received and by whom, by by nature, I am a hugger when I have that connectiong, or have just made one.
One things I wanted to share is that there is a science of benefit behind hugging. The act of hugging releases ocytocin (sp?) – feel good hormone, “tend and befriend” hormone in animals. Not sure if it happens for men, but I know it does for women.
When I am a stess monger on wheels after a tough day of working long, and classic kid stuff, and I am getting snappish. ….(yes, coaches do this too), my husband, many times in his infinite wisdom will track me down and just silence me with a hug. Resets me right there. Hug on! Have a great holiday and new year, Rich! Hope to see you in 2011.
Jill – So great to hear that this post resonated with you! Hope you have a very happy holiday season and an incredible 2011! We do need to get together too!
I am a transition/retirement coach, with 20 + years previous history as a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice.
I loved your article on hugging. I use hugging…and my clients’ willingness and ability to hug… as a diagnostic indicator of how comfortable they feel with themselves, their bodies, their emotions, their level of inhibition, and the closeness they are able to feel in their relationships.
I hug clients after sessions…always asking permission first. Whether they are willing to hug, and the type of hug we exchange tells me a great deal about where they are in their personal work. As the therapy progresses the hugs often change; become more heartfelt and emotionally more authentic as my clients become more comfortable in our therapeutic relationship and within themselves.
I have done a great deal of work in the area of trauma and sexual abuse treatment in my previous work as a psychotherapist. I understand issues of trust and safety. A hug is a good indicator of trust building and healing!
I hug men as well as women, again always asking permission first. I learn tons about my male clients with this practice! It helps me in my work with both men and women, since it really becomes part of the assessment process as we move through our work together!
Failure to thrive is a well documented and well researched medical issue. It affects physical and emotional health and can be fatal in the extreme. Adults are vulnerable to its effects as well as children. We must have touch to survive physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually!
Thanks again for your article! I enjoyed reading it…and all the comments from different perspectives from your readers!
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